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Happiness is Being Healthy

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Being Happy With Yourself

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So you want to kill yourself? because no one cares about you. Your family hates you. Right? no. Your parents walking in your room in the morning to only find a dead body. They’ll try their hardest to not think negative, and to just think that you’re fooling around. Then they’ll start shaking you. Why aren’t you breathing? they’ll be broken. Tears. Many tears. More tears then than you ever shed. Was it them? were they the reason you did this? more tears. Pain. Every fucking day. Every night as well. Every single second. Guilt, more guilt. What about your best friends? they’re not going to care, right? no. What’s the first thing that will go through their mind when your principle comes in and tells the class that you’re not alive. While your best friend sits there in tears. You know that girl that you’d smile at but never talk to? she’s now crying. What about the boy who used to tease you a little in class, he’ll be shocked, devastated. He’ll blame himself. What about your teacher? thoughts crossing her mind. She’ll question if you did because she didn’t make school comfortable enough for you. Pain. Devastation. All in one. Who organises your funeral? who has to go through your stuff? clothes? notes? SEe if you kill yourself today, you’ll never know what might of happened tomorrow. You’ll never know because you’re dead. Plain dead. Not breathing. Not alive. Just dead. Your family hates themselves for it. Your best friend then falls into depression. Tears, tears, more tears then a river. All because you killed yourself because you thought noone would care, right? You are loved. By many. Someone right now is thinking of you, i’m thinking of you. You are beautiful. No matter if you’re black, white, gay, tall, short, over weight, under weight. You are still beautiful. You want to kill yourself? think about it first. There is no coming back and i promise, if you do it, you are not only hurting yourself, you are hurting many. You are creating more tears then you ever led yourself to. You are making everyone miserable and making them feel guilt and pain. Never will they feel whole like they used to when they had you. Your sitting at your desk, you know its time to go. youve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know for sure its real. your tired, your just so very tired. Your parents pissed you off as if school wasnt bad enough today. you go to get the rope or the knife or the gun or whatever you choose to use because your just that desperate to leave. you think of it as a game, the first one dead is the first one that wins, no ones home. its the perfect time. your ready, if you dont do it now your just going to look down on yourself forever and your just going to hate yourself even more. no one knows. no one will know, until later on. instead of getting a paper and pen you get a video camera and a chair. you stand on the chair, your gone instantly, and there will be no noise, once the rope is tied around the top of your fan and the other end is already around your neck and you know its for real this time you can feel it. you turn on the video camera and you just stare at that video camera. you start to mumble out a few words. mom and dad, im sorry, i dont know why im sorry but im sorry. i just cant do this anymore. i dont even know who i am anymore. ive lost myself and i seem to not be able to find myself back. please dont blame yourself please, tell my siblings the same. i love you all, stay strong and stay safe. ill see you all soon. you say sorry to your bestfriend cause you know you wont be there for him anymore because you know you wont be there for him anymore, especially when he needs youo the most. you say sorry to everyone you can think of, even yourself. your sorry for not being strong anymore. your sorry for breaking down. your sorry for putting them through so much pain all thier life. you stare once again at that red light, blinking upon your eyes. one foot is off the chair now you begin to mouth the word goodbye. you have the remote control to turn of the camera in your right hand. your pointer finger on the off button already. you click that button and as soon as you see that light go off, your off. both feet are off the chair and the chair is on the floor, the room is filled with silence. your dead, your gone. theres no going back. everything is over, you dont have to live in pain anymore, but everyone else does. what are your parents going to think? what about your little brother and your little sister? what are they gonna do? your gone. your dead, theres no going back. you ended your life, because the person you liked only thought of you as a friend? you ended your life because that one teacher in class was harder on you then anyone else because she knew you were the only one that is going somewhere in life. your parents are home now, they call your name telling you that thier home, like they usually do. but somethings different, you dont answer, they dont hear your voice. they get worried, you always answer. they come upstairs thinking your sleeping or showering, your mum opens your bedroom door, she screams and immediatley passes out. your little sister hears and comes up to her, she screams daddy help! she runs over to you hitting your leg begging you to wake up! wake up! wake up! please stop! but you dont answer. your not waking up, your gone your dead theres no waking up, theres no going back! your dad walks up and all he can do is stare, watches his babby girl swing back and forth on a rope. he sees the video camera and he sees the chair, but he doesnt move. hes stiff as a board. he cries, your dad never cries. he picks up the phone and calls 911. he can barley get the words, “my daughter commited suicide” out off his mouth. hes in tears. your little sister stares at your dad. he hangs up and she jumps into your daddys arms, crying harder then ever. shes too young to understand completley, but she knows your gone, she knows your dead and she knows that your never coming back. everything is over. the cops finally arrive, they take your mum out of your room. they push your dad and sister out of your room and now thier sitting in the living room. they take your body down off the ropes and lay you on the stretcher, they cover your body and out you go. just like that, in the blink of an eye. everythings gone everythings over. your gone, your dead and theres no going back. nothing is the same.

2 weeks have passed and your mum still stares out the window more then half of the day, sometimes even the whole day. your little sister hasnt returned to school. your dad has been forced to go to work to pay for the bills for your wake and your funeral. evantually, they found the strength to go back into your room.

the door hasnt been opened for two months, the rope is still laying on the floor, in the same place the cops put it. the video camera is still sitting on the table, they dont even dare to watch that video. it will never be seen. they pick up the rope and throw it in the garbage, children are spying, your mum in tears. they brush off your bed, making it neat, like they used to do every morning after you went to school. your desk was empty, it didnt have those little sticky notes you left before you ran for the bus like “have a good day mum remeber to smile” or “have fun at work dad, :)” you pretened to be so happy, you even tricked yourself. they cleaned your room and shut the door and it remainded shut. your school is still under stress, you though no one cared you thought no one noticed you. you remeber that girl that said no to being your lab partner? yeah she cuts every single night because she thinks its her fault that you died. remeber that boy that tripped you by accident and just looked at you and didnt say sorry? yeah hes in suicidal therapy in the hosiptal 5 days a week because he feels a smile could of saved your life and he couldnt give that to you. remeber that teacher that was hard on you that day? she quit her job because she felt she wasnt suited to teach anymore, your gone your dead. theres no coming back.

4 years have passed now, your little sister is not 15 years old. she started a club, its in her school dedicated to you. “secrets” is what she called it. its for kids to speak thier hearts without anyone judging them, they can say anything they wanted to and talk about anything they need to. if they were suicidal, they always had someone to talk to. that was your problem, you didnt want to talk to anyone, you had everything bottled inside of you. you acted like you were the happiest kid on the planet, and you acted as if you had the perfect life. you played that happy character so well, that even you started to believe it, you were happy all day! and as soon as you layed in bed that night, all the thoughts came running back, your little fight you had with you and your parents could of set you off. but you kept everything bottled up inside of you for all these years. you just hit your limits, your gone your dead theres no going back. your room will never be occupied, your mum still cries every single night, your dad isnt as strong as he used to be, your little sister will never grow up with you by her side, leading her in the right direction, she needed you. your bestfriend is still torn up, he needed you. your parents are still torn up, they dont know what to do anymore, they needed you. your school now has a club dedicated to you, so other teens dont make the same mistake you did, your life is precious, and you took it away in the blink of an eye. all you needed was a smile, that was all you needed to show you that everything will be okay. but since your gone, just know people cared. people always have cared, and people always will care, you were just too upset to see that back then. you were just too caught up in the fact that you thought no one cared, when the truth was, more people cared about you that you ever thought they would. and the fact is, you see that, now that your gone. and you didnt see that when you were still here. your town will never be the same, a girl is gone. a special girl, who thought no one  cared. everyone cared, i promise you. they always have cared and they always will care, they loved you no matter what, people will always still love you.


^ I did not write this.